


books to help you with your life

by spock



Category: Grantchester (TV)
Genre: Bonding, Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Happy Ending, Insecurity, M/M, Male Friendship, Pen Pals, Slow Romance, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-08 22:01:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5514860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spock/pseuds/spock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A routine develops, in which Ben updates Leonard as to how his schooling progresses, and Leonard shares his summation of Sidney's exploits that've taken place since the last time they spoke. His own life is fairly monotonous — as, in truth, is Ben's — and so the pair of them have taken to living through Sidney and the nigh-constant drama that seems to overtake his life each week. </p><p>Sidney is, of course, flattered by such a thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	books to help you with your life

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kindkit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kindkit/gifts).



On Saturday, a letter arrives for Leonard while he's still helping to prepare for Sunday's sermon, and he doesn't get a chance to look at it properly until well into the afternoon the following day. When he sees the return address, he's sorely tempted to act as if the thing never arrived at all.

Sidney is around, of course; Leonard’s sure that he spots the turmoil written across his face. He goes so far as to comment on it, as he is wont to do. Leonard can hardly remember a time when some various bit of personal trauma and deliberation faced him and Sidney hadn't happened to be around and comment on it.

"Who's that from, then?" Sidney asks. He doesn't go so far as to peek over Leonard's shoulder, but it's a near thing.

Leonard presses the letter against his chest. "Am I not allowed my secrets?"

Sidney smiles at him terribly whilst fixing himself a cup of tea, and when he passes Leonard on his way across the sitting room to the soa, Leonard can actually hear him laughing. "Really, Leonard," he says, and Leonard figures that he's right. It’d been a rather ridiculous insinuation. Sidney's always in everyone's business, whether they care for him to be or not.

Taking a seat in one of the side chairs with a sigh, Leonard allows the letter to rest on his knee so that Sidney can lean over and see the address.

"Oh, it's from our Ben!" The apparent commingling of expectancy and utter contentment in Sidney's tone has Leonard more than a little suspicious that Sidney's somehow behind all of this, but he can't think of a way to ask that wouldn’t lead to Sidney knowing that Leonard’s on to him.

He contemplates taking a walk about the garden; now seems as good a time as ever to make an escape. Leonard finds the courage within himself to say, “Your Ben, surely.” He takes care to place a certain amount of emphasis on the ‘your’. Mrs. Maguire still frightens him to his core most days, but she's been a much better influence on his self-confidence than Sidney has — of that Leonard is sure.

"Our Ben, _surely_ ," Sidney argues, and with that Leonard can feel the wind knocked from his sails. There will be no outdoors escape for him this particular afternoon; Sidney's in a bullying mood. Leonard's never been much good at evading men who're larger and more charming than he his when they're in a mood. "Well then, whatever does it say?"

With his one last great hope of avoiding this conversation, Leonard blurts out, "Shouldn't he be writing to a girl?"

"Leonard." Sidney finishes his tea and sets it on the table. When he leans to sit back down he lets himself expand into a winding sprawl, practically sinking into the cushions. It's obvious that he's settling in for a good debate. The only thing that Leonard hates more than Sidney being able to read him so well is that, somehow, through no innate desire of his own, he's able to read Sidney just as well. "He wants to write to you."

"It seems unbecoming, surely?" Leonard stands and starts pacing small circles about the room, holding the letter tightly between his fingers.

"I'm sure that he's hardly going to ask you to scent your subsequent letters with your cologne!" Sidney laughs.

The letter begins to crumple, and he allows Sidney to take it from him when Sidney makes another attempt take it. "Whatever could he have to say to me?" Leonard asks, mostly to himself, though he's sure Sidney will have an answer. "He's studying to become a doctor."

"Men have friendships with women all the time, haven't they? I'm sure he can be friends with you." It all sounds to reasonable when Sidney says it with that affable smile of his. "I'm sure he only _wants_ friendship with you. Didn’t the two of you started a book club?"

Leonard almost believes it, but then he thinks about Sidney's words for more than a second and realizes just how hypocritical such words are when spilling from Sidney's lips, of all the people. There's even a part of him that wonders if Sidney telling him this makes it a bad omen. He wishes that he had a mean bone in his body, so that he might say such a thing aloud. Maybe with a few more years of having known Mrs. Maguire, he'll be able to manage it.

"You're right, of course," Leonard says instead. He ignores Sidney saying _of course_ in an unwanted echo and continues on. "And it could be that he needs religious guidance. Either way, I suppose that I’ll have to read it."

"That's the spirit!" Sidney hands the letter back to him and then rests his elbows on his knees, chin in his hands. It occurs to Leonard that Sidney thinks he'll get to read what's inside of the letter. "Do remember to cut off a lock of your hair for him when you reply."

He feels such satisfaction at walking out the door and into his room that he actually prays for forgiveness before he goes to bed.

 

* * *

 

Ben's letter reports that his time at university is going well. Leonard can't help but notice that his handwriting is rather lovely, and he wonders if it will deteriorate the longer he studies medicine, in the way all doctors seem to do, or if Ben will be the exception that proves the rule.

Apparently all of his professors are very skilled, and even nice, but none of them are particularly understanding. Ben makes a point of mentioning that he thinks Leonard, whom he has always found to be so very understanding, must have been a wonderful teacher back when he'd been at the girl's school.

Leonard can hardly believe that Ben remembers Leonard saying any such thing, or that Ben has such opinions on the matter.

The letter ends with two requests: for Leonard to write back, if he has the time and inclination, and for Leonard to send Ben more books, as he quite liked the collection of Thomas' poetry that Leonard has snuck into his bag.

Against all his better instincts, Leonard fulfills both.

 

* * *

 

They set up a regular correspondence. Leonard finds that with each letter, Ben's handwriting deteriorates. He's of half a mind to mention it to Ben and ask if the first letter had been him putting his best foot forward, in a manner of speaking — but Leonard doesn't want to tease him. In a way it would be like teasing himself, as he's actually quite pleased to think that Ben went out of his way to impress him, even in such an inconsequential manner.

A routine develops, in which Ben updates Leonard as to how his schooling progresses, and Leonard shares his summation of Sidney's exploits since the last time they spoke. His own life is fairly monotonous — as, in truth, is Ben's — and so the pair of them take to living through Sidney and the nigh-constant drama that seems to overtake his life each week.

Sidney is, of course, flattered by such a thing. "It's my own fan club.”

Mrs. Maguire meets Leonard's eye from across the breakfast table, and they share in their judgment. "Really," she says, "I think that you should be more concerned that your life proves fodder for such gossip, especially to impressionable young men!"

Leonard says, "We're hardly gossiping," at the same time Sidney adds, "I think it makes me a good influence, really."

She gives both of them a look that they can read clearly: _How is it that men of God can speak such bold-face lies?_

Leonard is sure that he doesn’t know to what she’s referring. Sidney absolutely seems to know, but hardly cares. The end result is the same.

"Could I tuck a message of my own alongside yours before you send back this week's letter, Leonard?" Sidney asks.

"What could you possibly have to say to Ben?" Leonard doesn't exactly sound demanding as he says it, but that's only because Leonard is terrible at demanding things.

"What, to _my_ Ben?" Leonard had thought that he'd grown immune to Sidney's teasing, but his face is set aflame now. "I'd like to see what his plans for the upcoming break will be — and when his holiday even begins, I suppose. And how long it’ll last."

Leonard has found himself with similar questions since the start of autumn, though for him they've been more worry than inquiry; Blackwood Senior will likely never see the outside of his jail ever again, and the rest of the town holds no love for Ben. He is alone, with only Leonard and Sidney to care for him. Leonard has been thinking of ways to bring the issue to Sidney's attention, but now it seems the other man has saved him the trouble. "I was actually intending to ask him the same," Leonard admits.

Sidney beams and takes a bite of his toast. "I do so love it when we are of a similar mind, Leonard." Mrs. Maguire huffs and shakes her head, rising from her seat to start the removal of their empty plates from the table. "I'll be the one to extend the official invitation, then, and you can sort out the details."

 

* * *

 

Leonard arrives at the bus stop at a time far too early for most everyone he knows, the exception being Mrs. Maguire, who has always valued punctuality as much as Leonard himself. Sidney, for his part, had followed after Leonard as he left the house, teasing. He’d walked with Leonard as far as the main road, with Dickens trailing after the both of them, before turning around and heading back for home, leaving Leonard on his lonesome.

There's a part of him that is glad to meet Ben on his own. Despite what Mrs. Maguire and Sidney think, they do write of things other than the local gossip; Ben's been looking into some of Leonard's favorite Russian writers, and they often debate the merits and morals of whichever book Ben has finished last.

Speaking with Ben is a great deal of fun, even with weeks of time and physical distance between their conversations. He can only hope that it's not awkward in person, and meeting Ben alone, without Sidney or anyone else making fun at the expense of either of them, is surely the best way to make sure that they can ease into a real-time friendship. In a way, Ben doesn't seem like the young man that Leonard sat quietly beside in a jail cell, or whom he watched sob on their couch; the Ben in his letters is confident and engaged and, while prone to melancholy and introspection, never egregiously sad.

Leonard knows himself well enough to be thankful that they won't have an audience to bear witness to his awkwardness as he tries to reconcile the Ben he knew with the Ben he knows.

The other half of him wishes that Sidney were there, and Mrs. Maguire, and even Dickens. He wants any passers-by to see that there are people who are excited to have Ben back, who are eager to receive him and welcome him home as a proper party. He hates to think that the community will see Ben staying with them as some act of charity, priests giving shelter to the dregs of society, as Christ Himself would have done. He hates that there’s nothing to keep them from thinking it, regardless of how big of a welcome party sat there waiting for Ben.

When Ben's bus finally pulls up, Leonard forgets all of that. He is, above all else, very excited.

When Ben steps out onto the pavement and Leonard sees him for the first time in months, all of that excitement vanishes.

Somehow, Leonard let himself forget that Ben was tall, and blond, and handsome — that before his life collapsed in on itself, Ben had been rather of the outdoorsy sort, and the healthy tint that his skin sports even now, in the overcast of Grantchester, when all of England is waterlogged and grey for the winter, highly suggests that aspect of his personality hasn't changed. When Ben finishes collecting his bags and finally catches sight of Leonard standing nearby, he smiles. His teeth are very white, and very uniform.

Leonard takes in the sight that Ben makes and finds himself so very decidedly inferior. He didn’t even know that he cared. A moment ago, he didn’t. Faced with the reality of Ben, Leonard cannot comprehend how they have anything in common, or how they ever managed to speak as often as they do.

"Leo!" Ben’s smile is very bright. Leonard does his best to pull up a watery facsimile of his own. Ben was been the only one who disembarked at the stop, and the bus has already pulled away, on its own tight schedule, so there isn't a soul to see Ben step forward and pull Leonard into a hug.

"Oh, my." Leonard keeps his hands to Ben's sides, hugging the curve of his waist. "Ben, hello. Welcome home, I suppose?"

Ben pulls away and frowns at him. "What's the matter, then?"

"I'd rather forgotten that you were a bit of a lad," Leonard says — and promptly wonders why in the hell he did such a thing. It seems that bringing the candor of their letters into the physical realm won't be as difficult as Leonard had anticipated. "I've never had anyone call me Leo before. Or run up to hug me like that, honestly."

Ben hauls up one of his bags from where he'd dropped it to hug Leonard, then hands the other to Leonard. "Would you rather I called you Leonard?" He puts one of his hands on Leonard's back to push him into motion down the road, but it falls away once they start walking.

"No, it's fine." Leonard assures him and decides to change the subject. "Are you excited to be back in town?"

"God no," Ben says, then appears to instantly recall to whom it is that he's speaking to. "Uh, by which I mean to say is, no. But I am happy to see you again. And Sidney."

"And Dickens?" Leonard would tease him about Mrs. Maguire, but he still isn't quite sure how she'll react to Ben being there, day in and out, for the duration of his holiday. Leonard and Sidney made her promise not to antagonize Ben, but neither hold the illusion that she'll keep to it. He'll stick with the dog, for now.

"I think that I've rather been missing him the most, to be honest."

 

* * *

 

Sidney looks rather pleased with himself as he watches Ben roll around the entryway below the stairs with Dickens. "Ben, if you can manage to tear yourself away for a moment, would you mind helping me tend to the cemetery in the garden?" Sidney asks after having let them have their fun for a whole five minutes.

"Oh really, Sid, he's only just gotten here." Leonard groaning. He's reminded of his childhood, when his too-few cousins would come 'round to play; his father never failed to enlist the lot of them in chores before they ever had the chance to start.

"It's not me!" Sidney raises his hands placatingly. "Mrs. M insisted that our Ben pull his weight, and you my friend," he says this to Leonard, accusingly, "have been dodging me about it for weeks!"

Ben pulls himself up from the floor and dusts off the back of his trousers. Dickens whines at the loss of his new best mate. "Sure, I'll help." To Leonard, Ben actually looks eager at the prospect. He supposes that it is rather admirable that Ben's so keen to have a purpose.

"Goodness, he's already so much more helpful than you, Leonard!" With that, Sidney's transformation into Leonard's father truly is complete.

However, unlike his youth, it seems now someone finally is willing to stand up for him. "Leo's been a great help to me," Ben says as he shrugs back into his coat. He sounds very earnest. Watching him sprint out the door into the garden, Leonard feels terribly bad for him. Sidney is going to eat him alive.

As if on cue, Sidney looks at Leonard with his eyebrows raised high, not bothering to pull on his own jacket, the brute. Mrs. Maguire would have a fit if she saw. Sidney mouths _Leo_ and makes a few faces at Leonard as he follows Ben outside.

Leonard allows them a few minutes head start before he turns to walk deeper into the house, looking for Mrs. Maguire so that he can alert her to Sidney having left the house without his jacket.

 

* * *

 

Ben and he are, for all intents and purposes, joined at the hip.

He follows Leonard into the kitchen as he helps Mrs. Maguire cook for the four of them, and it doesn't take much more than a few days for her to find herself endeared to him.

He helps him research Bible passages while Leonard continues to try his hand at making sermons, and between the two of them they find the perfect spots to slip in interesting bits of philosophy from Bulgakov and Florensky that even Sidney says he finds to be thought-provoking, granting a smile to the both of them.

Ben has to keep up with his studies, and Leonard has always suspected that there is no true end to interpreting the Bible; together they sit on the floor of Leonard's bedroom and study their chosen fields, sometimes taking breaks to try their hand at philosophizing themselves, marveling at how for a large part of the world’s history, their professions has been intertwined, and how they're both glad that it's no longer the case; neither of them thinks they have the stomach to do what the other does.

Mrs. Maguire makes a point of telling them to keep the door open and never fails to find the odd reason to walk past to make sure that it stays that way. Neither of them ever bring up why she thinks to do so. It’s the one topic that they never discuss — the one thing between them that had originally made them more alike than not, long before they’d ever known they’d been alike in more ways than that one.

On the odd day that Leonard's duties take him about town, it's with Ben at his side. Most everyone is polite — excessively so, in a way that's worse than if they'd been rude. Ben had grown up amongst them all, and now he's treated with a distanced hand even more-so than Leonard, a real outsider, is.

Leonard prays that they can rediscover the love in their hearts, or that God can reignite it for them. Until it happens, Leonard hopes that he — and Sidney, and Mrs. M, and Dickens — can be enough.

 

* * *

 

They're sitting in the garden, just after the Christmas Service, when Leonard realizes that Ben will be leaving soon, the close of winter holiday just around the corner. It's hard to think that he'd be afraid to take the written aspect from their relationship, and now he's rather dreading going back to it.

"I'll miss you, you know," Leonard says. He closes the book he'd been reading, keeping his place with a finger tucked between the pages, resting against the spine.

Ben's out of breath, his face pink thanks to the cold bite in the air. A few minutes ago he'd been rolling around in the snow with Dickens, tossing a ball around. Moments ago, he'd dropped himself beside Leonard on the bench, and started to read over Leonard's shoulder. Now he's looking at Leonard with a very open expression on his face. Leonard won't have all of this, not when they go back to the paper. "When you're gone, I mean. We've talked so much this winter. I wonder what we'll even have to write about. Everything that I’d think to tell you, you’ve already seen."

Ben breathes in deeply, just the once, and holds the air in his lungs. On the exhale he drifts in towards Leonard, slowly, and kisses him with closed lips and nary a sound. When Ben pulls back, he places his hands on his knees and looks directly into Leonard's eyes, as if seeking benediction.

Leonard can't help but think back to Sidney saying that Ben & he could be friends, and how he'd known even then that it was a bad omen. He has to reassess that opinion now; Leonard's sure this is the best thing that's happened to him since he was gifted his first Bible as a child, or the first time he read _Notes from Underground_. He can’t be bothered with making Ben wait long; he nods, giving absolution.

Ben smiles. "I'm sure we'll think of something to fill the pages."

**Author's Note:**

> The look on my face when I saw that you loved Leonard so much can only be summed up by saying that it inspired each and every bit of utter fluffiness that is in this fic, so here we are ♥
> 
> Thanks _so much_ to ~tuesday, who was the world's best beta. they made sure that this horrible throat thing that's been haunting me didn't turn this fic into a fever-dream mess.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Seek Ye First](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7404322) by [Darklady](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darklady/pseuds/Darklady)




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